More Space Helps Them Thrive

Ever wonder if you should "ignore" your child more? Short answer: yes! There's a long list of reasons why giving your child more space and letting them figure it out by themselves is more beneficial than helping them through every new adventure. Fostering important skills like resilience, flexibility, and executive functioning all require the adults in a child's life to let go and take the back seat. This might go against modern parenting expectations and what the mainstream is feeding you, but research shows that it has profound benefits for your child's long-term development.

Independence Fosters Resilience

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficulties, a skill that starts forming in early childhood. When we give children space to navigate small frustrations like solving a puzzle or figuring out how to zip up a jacket, they learn how to manage challenges on their own. This builds their confidence and ability to handle bigger challenges as they grow. If we step in at the first sign of trouble, we may unintentionally send the message that they aren't capable of solving problems on their own.

By encouraging independent problem-solving, you're giving your child the opportunity to experience the mind discomfort of struggling—and the joy of succeeding on their own! This process helps children develop the resilience to handle both the everyday frustrations and the more significant challenges they'll encounter in life.  

Maria Montessori emphasized the importance of independence in early childhood, asserting that children are naturally curious and driven to learn by doing. When children are allowed to engage in independent tasks, they develop a sense of agency, which is crucial for their cognitive and emotional development. 

Flexibility Through Exploration

Flexibility is a key skill to develop early in childhood! In a psychological sense, flexibility refers to the ability to adapt to changing circumstances or challenges. When children are allowed to try different solutions, fail, and try again, they learn that there isn't always a single way to do things. This helps them develop a mindset that embraces change rather than resists it. 

For example, a child trying to build a tower may attempt several structures before one stays standing. In the process, they learn to adjust their approach, use different materials, or try new ideas- an essential part of developing a flexible, adaptable mindset. 

Flexibility is also so important to simplify YOUR life. When a different grown-up has to drop you off at school, when you can't go to the park after school like you always do, or when you're doing a bedtime routine while on vacation, these are all pivotal times when a flexible mindset is key to running the show smoothly (and avoiding tantrums). 

Historically, children were expected to take on significant responsibilities from a very young age. In ancient societies, children often worked alongside adults in daily tasks, whether it was helping with farming, gathering, or caring for younger siblings. Children were brought around to do daily tasks with their adults, and they'd observe and absorb. They were seen as contributing members of their community. Likewise, in many indigenous cultures, children primarily learn by watching adults, trying things out, and gradually mastering the skills they need to survive and thrive in their environment. The expectations placed on children in these societies are much different from today's parenting standards. Children had more freedom to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow into capable, self-sufficient individuals. 

The Montessori Method takes on some of these practices by teaching lessons with little to no language, using self-correcting materials so a teacher doesn't need to provide feedback, and respecting a child's time with a work. In our Montessori classrooms, the students are engaged with all parts of their day and environment, from sweeping up after themselves to folding clean laundry and scrubbing tables. These very real tasks bring so much meaning to a child when they see its effects on their community. At home, you can get your child involved in daily tasks to help them see their place as a contributing member of the family and build up their sense of responsibility in the home. Here is a list of age-appropriate chores or "home contributions".

The Role of Executive Functioning

Executive functioning is the set of mental skills that help us plan, focus, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks. The early years are when we're just starting to practice and jumpstart these very valuable skills! These skills are critical in school and life. Independence is a key role here as well. When children are given space to think through their actions, manage their impulses (hard, I know), and make decisions, they strengthen their executive functioning abilities. 

Children with adults constantly stepping in to guide them miss out on these opportunities to practice decision-making. For instance, when a child is tasked with cleaning up their toys, deciding the best way to organize them and following through without immediate adult intervention encourages planning and time management, which are core components of executive functioning. I know the last thing parents have is "more time," but this is crucial for the long run. Giving your child the time to do something on their own, even if it's not fast and efficient, will lead the way for these skills to form.

Research shows that children thrive when they are allowed to work through challenges and make mistakes. Studies have found that practice and the opportunity to try things on their own nurture executive function skills, self-control, and decision-making skills.

So... what can you do?

1. Give them choices: Allow your child to make decisions about simple things like what to wear or what book to read before bedtime. This fosters a sense of agency and control. And we all know that toddlers and preschoolers LOVE control!

2. Resist the urge to step in: Next time your child is facing a challenge, stop and observe. Unless they're in an unsafe situation, don't offer help immediately. Give them some time to struggle, problem-solve, and hopefully figure it out on their own. This will be much harder for you than for them, and that's okay!

Here are some phrases we use when children are asking for help immediately: 

"You try it first, and then I'll help you."
"I want to watch how YOU do it." 

"What do YOU think is the first step? ... Oh, what comes next...?" 

3. Don't answer all of their questions: Next time your child asks you a question, especially a "why" question, ask them, "What do you think?". Help them get those gears turning by not answering everything on the spot and having them think for themselves. While their answers might not always be correct, it's still so important to encourage them to make inferences, hypotheses, and connections. And in return, you might get a hearty laugh! 

4. Embrace mistakes: It's so crucial to have a safe space to make mistakes. Children need to learn that failure is a very real part of life, and it's essential to learning. When things don't go as planned, help them see it as an opportunity to try again. 

5. Encouragement, not praise: We want to ensure that children are building the internal motivation to try things out and be resilient in the face of a challenge. At wBees, we avoid giving praise like "good job" and instead say phrases that commend their internal strive to do things. Next time, try some of these phrases with your child,

"I see you worked really hard to pack up your backpack!"
"You were so concentrated on your artwork!"

"You were so dedicated to putting on your shoes by yourself!"
"Thank you for trying! I'm happy to help you if you need it!"
"Wow, I see so many colors and textures in your artwork! Can you tell me more about it?"
"I noticed you tried opening your snack box in many different ways!" 

Remember, encouragement helps to keep up the drive to try. Especially when they don't get the task done, make sure you're noticing their efforts to try it out. 

It can be hard to let go and take a step back, especially at this age in early childhood when the world still feels so big and uncertain. Yet, it's an important lesson for them to learn, and it's one children are ready for! The opportunity to explore and the space to try are what we should be looking to expand on as their absorbent minds are growing and being shaped by their experiences, especially the tough experiences that they learn to work through. One of my all-time favorite phrases for both kiddos and adults is, "You can do hard things." It's so powerful to remind our children and ourselves that we are capable and resilient!