Encouragement Over Praise: Why We Don’t Say “Good Job!”
When it comes to raising confident, independent, and resilient children, the words we use matter. As parents and educators, we all want to build our children’s self-esteem and help them feel capable. However, it’s essential to understand the difference between praise and encouragement—and why Montessori education places such a strong emphasis on the latter.
Why Avoid “Good Job” and Similar Phrases?
At first glance, phrases like “Good job!” or “You’re so smart!” seem harmless, even positive. But over time, such praise can unintentionally teach children to rely on external validation to feel accomplished or worthy. Instead of fostering a sense of pride in their own efforts and achievements, these statements condition children to seek approval from others.
Believe me, I get it! It’s so natural to come to these phrases because we hear them every day, but in reality, the phrase “good job” can feel a bit empty. Good job for what? What exactly are you proud of? Instead, there are so many other ways to encourage children that actually bring to light the amazing things they are doing, whether they succeeded at the task at hand or not! Most importantly, we can encourage them when they did their best and got to the right answer, or when they tried hard and still failed. It’s so important to hold space for both circumstances as they’re equally important in the learning process!
Dr. Maria Montessori observed that children have an innate drive to learn and grow. When this drive is supported by encouragement rather than external praise, it helps them develop intrinsic motivation—the ability to take joy and satisfaction from the process of learning and achieving, rather than the outcome or someone else’s reaction to it.
The Problem with Praise
1. Focuses on Outcome, Not Effort: Phrases like “You’re the best artist!” shift attention to the result rather than the effort or process.
2. Creates Dependency: Children may start to look for adult approval rather than learning to self-assess their own work.
3. Discourages Risk-Taking: If children fear they won’t hear “good job” after trying something challenging, they may avoid taking risks or exploring new ideas.
What Is Encouragement?
Encouragement shifts the focus to the child’s effort, process, and growth. It helps children develop self-awareness and a sense of internal accomplishment. Instead of offering judgments, encouragement reflects back what the child has done, allowing them to evaluate their own work.
Examples of Encouragement:
• Observation: “You worked so hard on that puzzle, and you didn’t give up!”
• Describing Effort: “I noticed you used so many colors in your painting.”
• Open-Ended Questions: “How did you figure out how to balance those blocks?”
• Acknowledgment: “You seemed really focused while building that tower.”
Encouragement in the Montessori Classroom
In a Montessori classroom, teachers avoid praise in favor of encouragement because the goal is to support a child’s internal drive to learn and improve. Here’s how encouragement is woven into different curricular areas:
• Practical Life: When a child pours water or folds napkins, the teacher might say, “You concentrated carefully, and now the cups are filled evenly.” This encourages the child to recognize their success without comparison to others.
• Sensorial: After a child completes a color-matching activity, the teacher might remark, “You worked carefully to match all the colors,” rather than saying, “You did it perfectly!”
• Language: If a child writes their name for the first time, the teacher might reflect, “You practiced forming each letter. How does it feel to see your name written on the paper?”
• Math: When a child works through a hands-on math material, the teacher might say, “You figured out a way to solve the problem. What do you think about the answer you got?”
How Families Can Implement Encouragement at Home
1. Describe What You See: Instead of evaluating, simply state what you observe. For example, “You stacked those blocks really high, and they didn’t fall!”
2. Ask Questions: Invite your child to share their thoughts or feelings about their work. For example, “What part of the drawing do you like the most?”
3. Focus on the Effort: Highlight the persistence or creativity they showed. For example, “You kept trying until you figured it out.”
4. Give Space for Reflection: Instead of jumping in with a comment, pause and let your child assess their work. For example, “What do you think about how it turned out?”
5. Avoid Comparisons: Focus on your child’s personal progress rather than comparing them to siblings or peers.
The Power of “You” Phrases Over “I” Phrases
Another way to foster intrinsic motivation is by using “you” phrases rather than “I” phrases. When we say, “I’m so proud of you,” the focus shifts to the adult’s feelings about the child’s accomplishment, reinforcing the need for external approval. Instead, using “you” phrases like, “You must feel so proud of yourself!” or “You worked so hard on that,” centers the child’s experience and allows them to internalize their achievements. This subtle change in language empowers children to reflect on their efforts and develop self-pride rather than relying on others to validate their worth or success. It reinforces their autonomy and builds a stronger sense of self.
The Long-Term Benefits of Encouragement
Encouragement helps children develop resilience, independence, and self-confidence. When children learn to evaluate their own efforts, they are more likely to take on challenges, persist through difficulties, and feel genuinely proud of their accomplishments.
By focusing on encouragement over praise, you’re empowering your child to take ownership of their learning and growth—both in the classroom and at home. This simple shift can lay the foundation for a lifetime of curiosity, motivation, and a genuine love of learning.
As Dr. Montessori so beautifully said, “The greatest gifts we can give our children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.” Through encouragement, we help them soar.
