Growing Empathy
Empathy feels like a tricky and complicated subject with little ones. And that’s because it is!
Often, we’ll see a child give a warm and caring hug to a friend who is upset and crying. That same child might then laugh endlessly when they see another playmate trip on their own shoes.
This is where empathy starts.
It’s understanding how to process reactions and translate them into behaviors that meaningfully serve another person. It’s a complex task, a task that requires practice and maturation. We are born with the capacity to be empathetic, but it needs to develop and grow within each person through experience.
Empathy is multifold and requires a child to:
Understand that they are a distinct person from those around them and that other people may have different feelings and perspective
Recognize feelings in themselves and others and name them
Regulate their own emotional responses
Put themselves in someone else’s shoes and imagine how someone might feel
Imagine what kind of action or response might help a person feel better
That’s a lot of work! Empathy is ever-growing throughout childhood and adolescence and is shaped by a multitude of factors such as genetics, temperament, environment, and situational context.
why we avoid forced apologies
Young children begin to foster their ability to show empathy through their early experiences of conflict-resolution and emotional situations. While it’s the norm to expect an apology when someone has done something wrong or hurtful, asking a young child to apologize to their friend for taking their toy doesn’t really do much for them. The phrase “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean much to them at this age. Instead, a more meaningful approach that we use at wBees is “checking-in” with the person we have affected. We bring the child into the situation and ask them to reflect, connect, and resolve. First, we ask, “What happened?” to understand the situation. If the child does not recognize that their friend is mad that they took their toy, we bring that to light, “ You just took that car right out of her hand while she was playing with it.” Then we connect and ask the other person, “How are you feeling?” and explain those feelings in simple and clear language. We lastly ask the child, “how can we make them feel better?”
This helps children understand the context of the situation, reflect on their actions and the other person’s emotions, and give them the opportunity to make it right.
say goodbye to shame and hello to taking responsibility
Feeling ashamed or being shamed is such a debilitating feeling. When we feel ashamed, we’re disempowered, and it’s not likely that we react in constructive or prosocial ways. On the contrary, we tend to feel hopeless and withdrawn. Decades of research bares this out. Shame doesn’t make us into better people.
When children engage in hurtful, wrong, or negative actions, we have the ability to make them feel responsible for their actions. Taking the time to reflect on the bad choices and especially focus on the harm of our wrongdoing is such a powerful tool that activates empathy.
Feeling responsible and reflecting on our actions allows us to respond in a constructive manner that doesn’t come from a place of anger or helplessness but rather from wanting to do good and move toward healing. Building up our children’s sense of empathy begins by giving them the tools to recognize the effects of their actions and their potential to make things right. Call their attention to the consequences of their behavior, talk with them about how the other person is feeling, and help them find ways to make amends.
modeling and practicing empathy
Modeling is one of the most powerful tools for teaching. When children see us engage in empathetic conversations, comments, and thoughts, they pick up on that. It’s important that we show empathy to people who are similar and different from us, but most importantly, towards ourselves. Being empathetic with yourself and engaging in self-care is a vital example for children to learn to care for themselves and treat their bodies and mind with compassion and love. They can then begin to expand on this to share what makes them feel better with others and exponentiate their compassion for those around them.
Children also benefit from games and activities that require them to think about what other people feel, think, want, and need. Take each opportunity to reflect on others’ emotions when reading stories, watching movies, and out and about in the world. The key is continuously practicing and making these experiences meaningful so they can continue growing their sense of empathy.
Here’s a list of books and activities that can help:
Empathy is Your Superpower by Cori Bussolari
A Little Spot of Emotion- Book and Plushie Set
The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
The Big Umbrella by Amy June Bates and Juniper Bates
Feelings and Dealings: An Emotions and Empathy Card Game
Friends and Neighbors: The Helping Game
