Talking to Toddlers and Preschoolers About Death and Grief: A Practical Guide for Families

Death and loss are difficult topics for anyone, but explaining them to toddlers and preschoolers can feel especially challenging. Young children think in very concrete terms and do not yet grasp abstract concepts like time, permanence, or metaphors (such as “passed away” or “went to sleep”). This guide provides practical, developmentally appropriate strategies for talking about death with young children, helping them process grief in a way that supports emotional development and security.

When to Tell a Child That Someone Has Died

There is not perfect time but when thinking of “when” to bring it up really depends on how close your child was to this person. If they were close and the person who died was a significant presence in your child’s life, it’s best to tell them sooner than later to avoid any additional confusion if they do not see the person or they see others grieving around them. If the person who died was not close to your child or they didn’t have a deep connection, you don’t need to rush to tell them but it’s also best to not avoid mentioning it at all. You can take your time if you don’t anticipate your child asking questions or realizing the change before you are ready to talk with them. Whenever you do decide to talk to them about it, use clear and simple language. How you share the news may depend on how close the child was to the person who died. The way they process the loss will vary depending on their relationship to the person.

1. When Someone Close to the Child Has Died

If the person who died was a close family member (such as a parent, sibling, grandparent, or caregiver) or someone the child saw regularly and had a strong bond with, they will likely experience a deeper emotional impact.

How to Tell Them:

🔹 Find a quiet, comfortable space where you can sit together without distractions.

🔹 Use clear and direct language.

🔹 Give them time to process and ask questions.

🔹 Offer comfort and reassurance.

🗣️ “I have something very sad to tell you. [Person] has died. Their body stopped working, and they won’t be coming back. I know this is hard news, and it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even not know what to feel. I am here for you, and we will go through this together.”

Things to Expect:

Big emotions: They may cry, cling to you, get angry, or even act as if they don’t care. All reactions are normal.

Repeated questions: They may ask the same thing multiple times as they process.

Changes in behavior: They might have trouble sleeping, regress in potty training, or act out in ways they normally wouldn’t.

How to Support Them:

Acknowledge their feelings. (“It’s okay to feel sad and miss them.”)

Provide consistency and reassurance. (“I am here for you, and we will keep our routines as much as possible.”)

Involve them in remembering. (Looking at pictures, sharing memories, creating a special ritual.)

2. When Someone Who Was Not Very Close to the Child Dies

If the person who died was an extended family member, a friend of the family, or a community member (such as a family friend or neighbor), the child may not experience the same depth of grief but may still have questions.

How to Tell Them:

🔹 Be simple and direct.

🔹 Explain the relationship in a way they understand.

🔹 Acknowledge that it’s okay if they don’t feel sad.

🗣️ “I want to tell you something. [Person] died. Their body stopped working, and they won’t be here anymore. You didn’t know them very well, so you might not feel sad, and that’s okay. But some people around us might feel sad because they loved them very much.”

Things to Expect:

Curiosity: They may ask, “Why are people crying?” or “Did I ever meet them?”

No/less big emotional reaction: They may acknowledge the death and then go back to playing.

Questions about death in general: This might be when they start asking broader questions like, “Will you die too?”

How to Support Them:

Answer questions honestly but simply.

Acknowledge that different people feel different emotions.

Model empathy. (“Some people are feeling sad, so we are showing kindness.”)

3. When Someone the Child Did Not Know Well Dies

If the person who died is someone the child did not know at all—such as a distant relative, a friend’s parent, or even a public figure—they may not understand why it matters. Yet, if they see their caregivers grieving, it can be helpful to explain to them why their trusted adults are grieving. If your child is very young or is not yet emotionally mature, it is completely okay to not mention it to them and rather focus on how sometimes grown ups can feel sad to and move the conversation about the concept of feeling sad rather than about grief and loss.

How to Tell Them:

🔹 Keep it very simple or if very young, only focus on the feeling of sadness in the adults around them.

🔹 Only share details if they ask.

🔹 Explain why people around them might be sad.

🗣️ “I want to let you know that someone in our family / someone we know has died. You didn’t know them, but some people around us are feeling sad because they loved them.”

🗣️ “Daddy is feeling really sad recently

Things to Expect:

Potential disinterest or indifference. They may nod and move on.

Curiosity about death itself. (“How do people die?”)

Questions about why adults are upset.

How to Support Them:

Don’t force them to feel sadness. It’s okay if they don’t feel much.

Use it as a teaching moment about emotions. (“Sometimes people feel sad when someone dies because they miss them.”)

Encourage kindness. (“It helps to give hugs or say kind words when someone is sad.”)

How to Talk to Young Children About Death

1. Use Concrete and Simple Language

Children process the world literally, so it’s important to use clear and direct words like “died” rather than euphemisms like “passed away,” “lost,” or “went to sleep.” These phrases can confuse children and create unnecessary fears (e.g., a child might fear that going to sleep means they won’t wake up).

Say:

🗣️ “Grandpa died. That means his body stopped working, and he won’t be coming back.”

Avoid:

🚫 “Grandpa went to sleep forever.” (This can make children afraid of sleep.)

🚫 “Grandpa passed away.” (Young children may not understand what this means.)

2. Follow Your Child’s Lead

Children process grief in small, scattered moments rather than in one long, deep conversation. They may ask a question, seem satisfied with a simple answer, and then return to play. That’s okay. Let them take in information at their own pace rather than overwhelming them with details.

🔹 Answer only what they ask—you don’t need to over-explain.

🔹 Be patient—questions may come up weeks or months later.

3. Show Healthy Grief in Front of Them

It’s okay for children to see you cry or be sad. Narrating your emotions in a simple way helps them learn that all feelings are normal.

Say:

🗣️ “I feel sad because I miss Auntie. It’s okay to feel sad when someone we love dies.”

4. Normalize That Grief is Non-Linear

Young children may seem unaffected at first and then suddenly have big emotions later on. They may revisit the topic months or even years later. Grief comes in waves, and that’s normal.

🔹 Reassure them that their feelings—whether sadness, confusion, or even anger—are okay.

🔹 Allow repetition—children may ask the same questions over and over as they process.

5. Make Sure All Caregivers Are Aligned

Whether it’s parents, teachers, nannies, or extended family, ensure that everyone uses the same language and approach when talking about the loss. Mixed messages can confuse children.

🔹 Discuss as a family beforehand how to explain the death.

🔹 Keep messaging consistent—if one parent says “Grandma is in the stars” and another says “Grandma is in the ground,” it can be confusing.

6. Create Ways to Remember the Person Who Died

Helping a child maintain a connection to their loved one can be comforting. Some ideas include:

❤️ Looking at pictures together and telling stories.

🎨 Making a memory box with small items or pictures.

🕯️ Lighting a candle on special occasions.

🌳 Planting a tree or flower in their honor.

📖 Creating a book with drawings and memories.

Scripts for Common Questions About Death and Grief

Certainly! Below is an expanded version of the scripts with more detail and additional common questions that children may ask.

Expanded Scripts for Talking to Young Children About Death

1. What is death?

🗣️ “When someone dies, their body stops working. That means they don’t breathe, eat, talk, or feel anything anymore. They don’t wake up, and they won’t come back. But we can always remember them, think about them, and talk about the special times we shared.”

2. Where did they go?

🗣️ “Their body has stopped working, so they are not here with us anymore. Some people believe that a part of them continues in a special way, like in our hearts, in our memories, or even in nature. But no matter what, we can always love and remember them.”

🔹 If your family has specific spiritual or religious beliefs, you can add:

🗣️ “Some people believe that when someone dies, they go to a special place called heaven / they become part of the universe / they are watching over us in a different way.”

3. Why do people die of old age?

🗣️ “When people get very, very old, their bodies become tired and stop working. Just like toys that we play with for a long time can wear out, our bodies do too. It happens to all living things eventually.”

4. Why do people die from being sick?

🗣️ “Most of the time when people get sick, their bodies fight the sickness and they get better. But sometimes, if the sickness is very strong and the body is very weak, it can make the body stop working.”

🔹 If the child is worried about getting sick themselves:

🗣️ “The sickness that made (person) die is not the same as a cold or a tummy ache. Most of the time, when we get sick, we rest, take medicine, and get better. Your body is strong, and I am here to take care of you.”

5. Will I die?

🗣️ “All living things die someday, but you are healthy, and most people live for a very, very long time. Right now, you are safe, and I am here to take care of you.”

6. Will you (parent) die?

🗣️ “I plan to live for a very long time. I take care of my body by eating healthy food, getting rest, and staying safe. My job is to be here for you and love you for as long as I can.”

7. What happens to a body when someone dies?

🗣️ “When someone dies, their body doesn’t need to do anything anymore. They don’t eat, sleep, or feel anything. Some families bury the body in a special place, and some people choose cremation, which means the body turns into ashes.”

8. What is a coffin?

🗣️ “A coffin is a special box where a person’s body is placed after they die. It keeps them safe when they are buried in the ground.”

9. What is cremation?

🗣️ “Cremation is when a body is turned into very small pieces called ashes. Some families keep the ashes in a special container, and others spread them in a place that was special to the person.”

10. What is a cemetery?

🗣️ “A cemetery is a place where people who have died are buried. Families visit cemeteries to remember and talk about their loved ones.”

11. Will I see them again?

🗣️ “We won’t see them with our eyes like before, but we can remember them in our hearts. We can talk about them, look at pictures, and think about the special times we had with them.”

12. Can I die too so I can be with them?

🗣️ “I know you miss them so much, and it hurts your heart. But your job right now is to be here, grow, play, and live your life. The person who died would want you to be safe, happy, and loved.”

🔹 If the child continues to ask this question, they may be struggling deeply with their grief. Reassure them that their feelings are normal, and if needed, seek support from a counselor or therapist.

13. Why do people cry when someone dies?

🗣️ “When someone we love dies, we feel sad because we miss them. Crying is one way our feelings come out. It’s okay to cry, and it’s also okay not to cry. Everyone has their own way of feeling and remembering.”

14. Why do people have funerals?

🗣️ “A funeral is a special time where family and friends come together to say goodbye to the person who died. It helps people feel less alone in their sadness and remember the happy times with their loved one.”

15. Can we still talk to them?

🗣️ “Yes, you can talk to them anytime you want. Even though they won’t talk back, you can tell them how you feel, what you remember, and even what you love about them. Some people like to write letters or draw pictures to share their feelings.”

16. Will they still remember me?

🗣️ “They aren’t here in the same way anymore, but you can always remember them. The love you shared will always be part of you.”

17. Can we still celebrate their birthday?

🗣️ “Yes! Many families like to celebrate their loved one’s birthday by doing something special—like lighting a candle, making their favorite meal, looking at pictures, or sharing memories.”

Should a Child Attend the Funeral?

Deciding whether a young child should attend a funeral is a deeply personal choice, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Here are some factors to consider and how to prepare your child if they do attend.

1. Consider the Child’s Temperament and Readiness

🔹 Some children find comfort in being part of rituals and saying goodbye, while others may find a funeral overwhelming.

🔹 If your child is sensitive to emotions or crowds, they may need extra preparation or an alternative way to say goodbye.

2. Explain What to Expect

If your child does attend, prepare them with a simple explanation of what will happen.

🗣️ “We are going to a special gathering where people will talk about and remember [person]. Some people might be crying because they feel sad. There might be quiet moments, and people might share stories. It’s okay to feel any feelings that come up.”

🔹 For an open-casket funeral:

🗣️ “There will be a special box called a coffin. [Person]’s body will be inside, but they are not alive anymore. They can’t see, hear, or feel anything.”

🔹 For a cremation or urn present:

🗣️ “Some people choose to have their body turned into ashes, which are kept in a special container called an urn.”

3. Give Them an Option

It’s okay for children to choose whether they want to go.

🗣️ “Funerals are a way to say goodbye and remember [person]. Some children like to go, and some don’t. You can decide if you’d like to be there.”

If they don’t want to go, offer an alternative:

🔹 Looking at pictures and telling stories.

🔹 Drawing a picture or writing a letter to the person who died.

🔹 Visiting the grave or memorial site at a later time.

4. Have a Plan for Comfort and Breaks

Funerals can be long and emotionally intense. If your child attends:

Bring a comfort item (stuffed animal, small toy, etc.)

Sit near an exit in case they need a break.

Have a trusted adult available to step outside with them if needed.

5. Let Them Express Their Feelings

After the funeral, ask how they felt and answer any new questions.

🗣️ “What did you think about today? Do you have any questions?”

Additional Best Practices

Provide Comfort and Reassurance

Children need to know they are safe and cared for, even when big feelings come up. Simple hugs, holding hands, and reassuring words can help.

Use Books to Help Explain

Books with simple, direct language about death can be a great tool. Look for books like Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie or The Invisible String by Patrice Karst.

Validate Their Feelings

Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even to not feel much at all. Everyone grieves differently.

Be Patient

You may get the same questions repeatedly. This is how young children process new concepts. Keep answers simple and consistent.

There is no perfect way to talk about death with a young child, and there is no right way to grieve. What matters most is offering comfort, honesty, and consistency. Children are incredibly resilient when given the right support. By using clear language, allowing space for questions, and creating meaningful ways to remember loved ones, families can help young children navigate grief in a healthy and loving way.

Most importantly, make sure to give yourself time and space to grieve and process the loss as well. The more we can provide for ourselves in difficult moments, the better it will be to provide for them. Give yourself grace and patience through it all and know that you’re doing your best.

You don’t have to have all the answers—you just have to be there.