All About Lying!
If you’ve caught your preschooler spinning a tall tale or insisting they did not draw on the walls with crayons (despite the artistic evidence all over their hands), take a deep breath. Believe it or not, lying is a totally normal—and even exciting—milestone in their development. That’s right: lying isn’t just sneaky, it’s a sign that your child’s brain is growing in fascinating ways.
Let’s break it all down: why kids lie, what it means about their development, and how to handle it with kindness and positive discipline.
Why Do Preschoolers Lie?
Preschool-aged children typically start experimenting with lying between 3 and 4 years old. Why then? Because it’s around this age that they develop two major cognitive superpowers: theory of mind and executive functioning.
1. Theory of Mind: This is your child’s ability to understand that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and knowledge. When your preschooler tells a fib, they’re demonstrating that they realize you don’t know everything—an exciting and complex thought for their little brain.
2. Executive Functioning: Lying requires some mental gymnastics. Your child has to think up a false story, keep track of the truth, and remember to stick to their lie. All of this requires growing skills in self-control and memory.
In short, lying requires creativity, perspective-taking, and planning. While it’s not ideal behavior, it’s also not a sign that you’re raising a master manipulator. Instead, it’s a sign that your child’s brain is busy learning and exploring.
Why Do Kids Tell Tall Tales?
Children lie for all sorts of reasons, and most of them are far from sinister. Here are the most common ones:
• Avoiding Trouble: “I didn’t spill the juice!” They might lie to avoid punishment or disappointing you.
• Wishful Thinking: “I have a pet unicorn!” These types of lies are closer to storytelling or magical thinking.
• Exploration of Reality: “I didn’t push them!” Sometimes, they’re testing boundaries or trying to rewrite events to match their feelings.
• Attention-Seeking: “I’m sick! I can’t go to school!” Imaginative lies can be their way of asking to spend time with you or to seek connection.
Understanding why your child is lying can help you respond in a way that builds trust, rather than shame.
What Should Parents Do When Their Child Lies?
When your child lies, the goal isn’t to “catch” or punish them—it’s to guide them toward honesty while strengthening your relationship. Here are some positive discipline strategies you can use:
1. Stay Calm and Curious
Instead of reacting with frustration, approach the situation with curiosity. For example:
• Script: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I see crayon marks on the wall and some on your hands. Can you help me understand what happened?”
This lets your child know you’re open to hearing the truth without fear of punishment.
2. Focus on the Behavior, Not the Lie
Shift the focus from the lie itself to the behavior you want to address. For example:
• Script: “The juice spilled, and that’s okay—accidents happen. Let’s clean it up together.”
This teaches accountability without creating a shame spiral around lying.
3. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Sometimes kids lie because they’re scared of getting in trouble or they’re embarrassed. Acknowledge their feelings to create a safe space for honesty.
• Script: “It can feel scary to tell the truth sometimes, but I’m here to help.”
4. Encourage Truth-Telling with Playful Prompts
Make truth-telling fun! For example:
• Script: “Let’s put on our detective hats! What clues can we find to figure out what really happened?”
This playful approach makes honesty less intimidating.
5. Model Honesty
Children learn by watching us. If you make a mistake or tell a white lie, be honest about it.
• Script: “Oops, I told Grandma we’d be there at 3, but I made a mistake. I’ll call her and let her know we’ll be late.”
Teaching Honesty with Positive Discipline
Positive discipline is all about teaching and guiding, rather than punishing. Here’s how you can weave honesty into your parenting:
• Praise Honesty: When your child tells the truth—even when it’s hard—acknowledge it.
• Script: “Thank you for being honest with me. That was brave.”
• Use Logical Consequences: If lying leads to an action that needs to be addressed, focus on logical consequences instead of punishment.
• Example: If they lied about breaking a toy, involve them in fixing or replacing it.
• Read Books About Honesty: Stories are a wonderful way to teach values. Look for books that explore the theme of honesty in relatable ways.
Some book recommendations:
Ruthie and the (Not So) Tiny Lie by Laura Rankin
Abuelita and I Make Flan by Adriana Hernández Bergstrom
The Boy Who Cried Bigfoot by Scott Magoon
Finn’s Little Fibs by Tom Percival
Llama Llama’s Little Lie by Anna Dewdney & Reed Duncan
Lying is a natural part of childhood development—it’s not a reflection of your child’s character or your parenting skills. By approaching it with curiosity, empathy, and a focus on teaching, you can help your child develop a strong sense of honesty and integrity.
